Relationships are tricky, they test us in more ways than one can imagine. Like in any other test, we may make a couple of mistakes in our relationships too. What is important is to learn from these mistakes and move forward, ensuring we never make the same mistake again. Here are some mistakes that we all commonly make and how we can identify them, learn from them and move forward.
1. Being a saviour – not trusting your partner’s ability to deal with their emotions.
We often get so attached to our partner that we begin to feel their feelings. Though this may sound like love, oneness or compatibility, it gets extremely challenging when one of the two goes through an emotionally vulnerable phase.
The only way we can support our partner who is going through a roller coaster ride of emotions is by staying calm and letting them feel their way out of it. Instead, if we panic and try to control the situation, we may end up making it messier.
Each time we try to be the saviour, we are unknowingly denying our partner an opportunity to build their confidence.
If your partner resists taking help from you, respect his/her need to deal with it their way. And trust them to approach you when they need your help.
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love.”
– Khalil Gibran
2. Expectations – expecting your partner to fulfill all your desires.
Expecting your partner to fulfill all your desires is a bit too much.
If the phrase “better half” has made you believe it’s your partner’s job to complete you, it is high time you drop such notions. You and your partner are two independent individuals who are complete by yourselves.
It’s very much possible for you both to have different interests. Instead of forcing your partner to fit into your needs, it is important that you learn to accommodate these differences in your relationship, to make it grow strong.
Remember Dr. Jehangir Khan in Dear Zindagi impart this wisdom to Kaira?
3. Self-love: not taking care of oneself.
This is one thing that I would blame on our mothers as well. I have seen a lot of Indian mothers sacrificing their needs and joys to take care of the family. Though I respect their intentions, I strongly believe one can serve others the best when they are taken care of.
Be it in a relationship or not, it is your job to love and take care of yourself. Anything that comes from outside is just a bonus.
4. Taking your partner for granted.
It’s easy to dismiss the people you’re closest to because you expect them to be there no matter what. Never do it, it is unforgivable. They are the ones who deserve your best.
5. Being passive-aggressive – not communicating your true feelings.
Passive aggressiveness is an escape route taken to avoid confrontation. Though it may seem safe not to outwardly disagree by not letting your partner know how you are feeling, you’re closing off a route of communication. And an opportunity to understand each other. This, my friend, is a silent killer. Put a full-stop to it ASAP!
6. Honesty – choosing comforting lies over difficult truths.
A lie is a lie, no matter how noble your intentions are. It could save you from a difficult moment, but gift you a lifetime of baggage.
Is it okay to lie to avoid hurting someone? – Well, that’s a topic that’s debatable.
No matter how brilliantly we lie, the truth has this strange tendency to reveal itself at moments we least expect it to. And moreover, if you lie once, you will have to invest a lot of energy to save that lie from being caught. So act wisely.
7. Not expressing your love.
This is the stupidest way to ruin a beautiful relationship. Imagine walking around with a pile of unexpressed love in your heart. What good does it do to anyone?
Love is meant to be expressed, not once or twice, but every day in little ways. Do not let any excuse come in the way of expressing your love for your partner.
Let your partner know what his/her presence means to you. Compliment them, surprise them, hug them, kiss them, sing for them, dance for them – do everything you can to express your love for them.
8. Giving up on your relationship too early.
Relationships are not just about fun, romance and togetherness. There’s so much more to them. Relationships have the ability to make our deepest fears and insecurities surface. They challenge us in more ways than we can expect.
Each of these challenges presents us with an opportunity to understand ourselves, our partner and the relationship better. If we run away for the fear of confronting these challenges, we manifest them in our future relationships too. We can’t be free of them till we meet them completely.
9. Closure – not ending the relationship in the right manner even though you know it is over.
It’s not easy to let go of the one you saw your future with. But when it’s time, and you know it, don’t turn your face away from reality. Please take the time to give both you and your now ex-partner the closure you both need.
10. Blaming your partner.
Playing the blame game is one of the biggest mistakes that all of us make in a relationship. Many of us let the complaints pile up in our minds and then one day, when we lose our cool, fire them all at our partner. This may take the weight off your mind but doesn’t help the relationship at all.
This quote by Berne Brown helped me a great deal in understanding blame.
“Blame is the discharging of our discomfort and pain.”
So, the next time you catch yourself blaming, pause for a second and notice the pain, feel it in your body and then let it die. Once you are calm, you will be able to approach the situation much better.
May you enjoy a soul-nourishing relationship. <3