Intimacy means different things to different people. However, most of you would agree if I say intimacy is more than just physical closeness. It is more than the kisses and cuddles.
Intimacy is the willingness to see and be seen. It means to speak the truth when it’s easier to hide and express your feeling even when you fear how the other person would take it.
While it sounds great, the challenge comes from the conflicting needs we have. The need for closeness and separateness; safety and adventure; dependence and independence. It is observed that most of us have painful memories associated with our attempts to achieve one or both of these conflicting needs.
When we get into an intimate relationship, our hidden wounds get mirrored and surfaced. We tend to expect our partner to fulfil some of our unmet needs. And, when it’s not met, it triggers some fear/pain. If we are not aware of this (which most of us are not) we make our partner responsible for how we feel and express it in the form of anger and blame.
As long as we are looking to our partners to fulfil our unmet needs it will be difficult to build a loving relationship that is free of blame. The only way to evolve out of this situation is by being curious about our emotional triggers, about the feelings that we do not want to feel and our behavioural patterns. We need to allow ourselves to feel these difficult feelings, notice the story underneath and inquire into the truth.
"It is only to the extent we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we could allow ourselves to feel love."
This brings us to what are those essential ingredients that help us nurture love and intimacy in our relationship.
The most important thing to nurture a healthy intimate relationship is the willingness to see it as an opportunity for learning and self-discovery. If you approach your relationship from a learner’s perspective, each challenge you encounter will open doors to parts of yourself that you otherwise wouldn’t have paid attention to.
Categories: Relationship with your partner